001.

On myself, this blog, online journalling, EDs.

I'm the girl with the hollow brown eyes, staring at you from behind black makeup and thick square glasses.
I'm the girl who is always uncomfortable.
I'm the girl who sits in class, reading a book, head in her hands, or sleeps, or passes notes to the girl who sits behind her, or talks way too loudly, or way too quietly, or texts her boyfriend even though the teacher is looking.
I'm the girl whose life could end at any moment.
I'm the girl with eating problems.
I'm the girl who listens to metal.
I'm the girl who honestly doesn't know how to live.
I'm the girl who wants to go to school so she won't be stranded at home, lonely, bored, restless and miserable.
I'm the girl who not only sees the glass half empty, but also would hate it any other way.
I'm the girl who has to be constantly reminded to not self-destruct.
I'm the girl who never hangs out with anyone besides her boyfriend.
I'm the girl who remembers her past and marvels at how innocent and in love with life she used to be.
I'm the girl who's 14 going on 40.
I'm the girl who never takes off her loose black hoodie because she's afraid people will see the scars decorating her skin.
I'm the girl who dyes her hair a different color all the time.
I'm the girl who changes way too often.
I'm the girl who is extremely disenchanted.
I'm the girl you saw crying in the mall.
I'm the girl who would much rather die than be here.
I'm the girl from the tiny, pathetic hick town.
I'm the girl who never does her homework, never plays sports, never goes to her school's sporting events, never, never, never.
I'm the girl who first realized she was fat in ballet class at the ripe age of 5.
I'm the girl who is shamelessly forgiving, especially when she shouldn't be.
I'm the girl in the scatter-shot crowd, friends with the stoners, punks, nerds, skaters, walmart-clothed preps and losers.
I'm the girl who can't clean her room to save her life.
I'm the girl who is extremely intelligent, but doesn't use it, and rather suffers because of it.
I'm the girl who lost her virginity at the age of 13.
I'm the girl who didn't want to lose her virginity to that boy.
I'm the girl you would never want to be.
I'm the girl whose skin appears white in sunlight.
I'm the girl who, at one time, was extremely happy.
I'm the girl who wouldn't be caught dead in hollister.
I'm the girl with major issues.
I'm the girl who smiles and acts outgoing around her friends, but cries around strangers.
I'm the girl who hates bad grammar.
I'm the girl who wants to be a size 00.
I'm the girl in a wonderful, steady long-term relationship, even though she's only 14.
I'm the girl who is intimidated extremely easily.
I'm the girl who has a bad relationship with her family.
I'm the girl who hates the beach.
I'm the girl without a life.
I'm the girl who is never sure about anything.
And I'm the girl who is about to change herself beyond recognition.

---*---
If you're reading this; you're mad. We're all mad here. I am, and I'll admit that without any trace of doubt. I'm a crazy person, insane, warped, whatever you want to call me. I'm all that and more.
I wish I could have introduced myself a bit more poetically, because I really admire great writing, but the long description above is the best you'll get.
Question; what's the point of this blog?
Answer; well, I've had a xanga and a livejournal before. Unfortunately, I realized I couldn't be myself on either of those sites. I could make up some internet identity, but I couldn't be honest. I couldn't show my whole self. Here, I think I can. I think this can finally be the outlet I need.
anyway. I really, really want to change, and I can record my changing here. Or record something. Anything.
---*---
To be honest, online journalling is such a big thing now. Especially with dieters and pro-anorexics. I've visited endless ED blogs, ranging from the writings of a dying anorexic, a chipper bulimic, a frustrated binge-eater, tons of young pro-ana girls, etc. They're all interesting. I don't want mine to be just another blog trying to be popular for no reason. I'd like people to read it, sure, but this is mostly for myself. On the topic of eating disorders- well, I have so many different things messed up about my eating. Sometimes I'll barely eat at all, and maybe exercise a lot. Or I'll eat a lot at night, then throw it all up. Or I'll eat all day and only throw up sometimes. Or I'll throw up everything. Or I won't eat. Or I simply won't give a damn. If I have to pigeonhole myself into a diagnosis, I'd say EDNOS, because I've got a little bit of everything going on.
And honestly? I don't care whether I keep my eating disorder or not. My feelings and thoughts don't matter. Actions are what matter. I think. All I want is to be smaller, and whether that comes through "healthy dieting" or starving myself, I really don't care. I just want to lose weight.
By the way, here are my stats, since ED blogs usually post these.
Height: 5'2
Current Weight: 120-ish lbs?
Highest Weight: 120-ish lbs?
Lowest Weight: 100-ish lbs.
Starting Goal Weight: 105 lbs.
Final Goal Weight: 85-90 lbs.
There ya go. So, you see, I'm "average". But at this weight, I feel absolutely horrible. I've never weighed this much before. The clothes that nearly fell off of me 6 months ago are now too tight to wear. It's DISGUSTING. I mean, I felt bad at 105 lbs, but 120!?! A hundred-fucking-twenty? That's ridiculous. And I can't stand it anymore. I need to shut up my brain and get on with this weight loss.
For some insight, here's a normal weekday for me: Wake up, make coffee, go to school, skip lunch, go to my grandmother's, get a snack maybe, go home, get something else to eat. HERE'S where stuff gets unique. Here, I either: a) quit eating and go exercise, or b) eat the entire world, then puke. Or even get risky and not puke.
Here's a normal weekend for me: Wake up, make coffee, either drink it or don't, if I do drink it my day is like the normal weekday, if I don't, I eat the entire world literally all day, puke randomly. Or get risky and not puke.
Sometimes I take laxatives, but very rarely.
My boyfriend and mother keep urging me to be Healthy! and Get Better! and be Happy and Smile and Yadda Yadda Yadda so we can Live and Have a Family and Have Each Other Forever! I'm not going to lie- I love my boyfriend more than anything else in this world, honestly I do, and I would get rid of my ED for him at any given moment, if it were possible. But it's not that easy. God, no, it's not that easy. I'll act partially normal with food, sure. But I can't give it up. I feel like such a bratty little bitch for saying it, and even worse for lying to him. Unbelievably worse. How can I do this to him, make him watch me casually kill myself? Sigh. I'm such a masochist, it's ridiculous.
On the topic of changing, here's what I need to work on: my subconscious extreme cynicism, my messiness, my attitude, my fear of life, my weight for God's sakes, my over-thinking, my depression, my lack of interest, and my lack of hope and caring.
Please. That's all I ask of myself.
Well, that's all for now.
---*---

Damage: mango-chile Mexican candy (130, 0 g fat), 2 apples (183, .7 g), certs and gum (let's round up to 40, 0 g), diet coke (0, 0 g) jello (5, 0 g);; total damage: [358 cals, .7 g fat]
ajslksthrlfak so many calories. fuck that candy. -.-
Repair: lots of sex. no exercise. fat PIG.

---*---

(I'll be recording my daily damage + repair)
(I'll also be adding daily thinspiration)


---*---
THINSPIRATION:

"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy."


"Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something."


"Destroy what destroys you."


---*---

So that's me in a nutshell, I guess. Hi.

---*---

Love, despair, and cigarettes. XoXo.